Journal Entry: 28 February 2012

I had a migraine that came from out out of nowhere today. It was so unexpected and I was not prepared for it whatsoever. The sad thing is, I don’t know what triggered it. I just started crying in the car and then I completely lost it.

I noticed tears slowly coming out and my immediate thought was, “Uh, oh. This is always the indicator of a migraine.” I had just enough energy to ask Roger to turn off the music and then wham, migraine. I mustered up more energy to blurt out, “Can you just take me home?”

Then the full-on migraine hit me. There is only a couple of minutes between the trickling of tears to the full-on migraine. It happens very fast and without warning. One minute I’m fine and the next, I’m falling apart and I can’t talk; I can’t walk; I can’t open my eyes. My body completely shuts down. The world could come to an end and I wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t even see me react because I’m stuck in a state of what I call “temporary paralysis.”

I can hear everything that is going on and inside I’m either talking to people or I’m yelling at the top of my lungs, but physically, I’m very still, especially after the intense crying. After I cry my heart out and exhaust my mind and body even more, I am very, very still. At the most, I whimper and it’s a natural reaction for me. I have no idea why I do it and I have no control over it. I think my brain is trying to communicate or release, what, I don’t know. I whimper even when I’m alone so that doesn’t make sense about communicating something.

Well actually, come to think of it, I’m talking to myself when I whimper. And if someone is with me, I’m talking to them. I’m not sure what I’m saying. I remember the first couple of times this happened in Joseph’s presence. I remember thinking that I hoped he wouldn’t think I had completely lost it.

There is no way to control the mind or the body during a migraine. I have no desire to try to control either. I am forced to surrender so I do. There is something beautiful and peaceful about surrendering, given in such a state. When I am crying my heart out, it’s because I feel like my head is about to explode.

Today, in the car and even when I got home, my eyes were shut the whole time. My hands kept covering my eyes. The migraine on Christmas, my hands kept grabbing my head because I wanted to squeeze out all the noises trapped in it. But after the crying, my mind finds peace somehow, somewhere. Nothing matters. No one exists. Time stands still. Part of me is somewhere else. I am here yet I am not. If I have my bird music or mantras playing, I reach this peaceful place more quickly and I want to stay here forever. But even without my music, my mind drifts off naturally to this place.

What brings me back to reality is if someone speaks to me, which is only occasional, but it does jerk me back to earth. And I would rather not return to earth. I abhor the manmade noises of our modern world. The screeching sound of trains. The obnoxious sirens. The f’ing cell phones that tempt many of us to abandon respect and common courtesy when we are around others. All the loud construction trucks. Even if they are just driving along on the street, it’s too much for my brain and nerves. If I had magical powers, I’d zap them out each time I see them.

So I’d rather stay in my world where I hear birds, water flowing, chimes; and where I can gather fresh flowers in my hands and smell them. It’s so peaceful in my world. I can feel the breeze against my skin. No one is mean to each other. Everyone is nice and loving. I can’t describe where this place is because I don’t know where it is, but I know that when I’m in this place, I am floating. And I like it just that way. I am untouchable and unreachable here. It’s as if my soul has returned home and I feel very safe. Loved. Protected. Accepted. It feels familiar to me. I know that I am not dying and I’m not sure I wish to die. I just know that my soul travels somewhere very nice.

Sometimes I talk (whimper) to my sister Trang. I feel closer to her when I’m in this place. Sometimes when I have a migraine, I will get her picture and hold it in my hand or lay it on my chest. I don’t know why or how I started doing this, but I just know that I do. When my soul is in this peaceful place, I always hope to find her. Or feel her energy. Her presence. I don’t think that’s ever happened. I don’t exactly see anyone in this place. All I can say is that I feel love and peace and protection here, and I really love that. It would be nice to see my sister at least just once in this place. I hope my sister is in this place because I want her to be surrounded and uplifted by love. If all of us were in this place, there would be so much love and peace oozing out of all of us. I wish this for everyone on earth.

A few months ago, I researched online about out-of-body experiences because Chris was very fascinated by them. I’m realizing tonight as I’m writing about my own experience – when I have a migraine – that there are striking similarities between these experiences. The most striking similarity is the peaceful, loving place we go to. That experience is very real for me. A striking difference is that I do not look at my own body from a distance, like the ceiling or on the other side of the room.

I just know that my soul floats somewhere very nice. And that it wants to stay there forever, just like what out-of-body experiences say. But for me, there is no one telling me to go back to earth. In fact, there’s no one in this place. There is only an abundant energy of love and a most beautiful peace. It uplifts me. I smile just thinking about it, remembering how simply gorgeous it feels. Come to think of it, I actually do smile when I’m in this state of the migraine process. I don’t know how to describe a migraine or what it feels like aside from my head feeling as if it’s about to erupt (yes, it really does feel that way!)

I know that after the pain subsides, my soul floats away and I’m happy. Bonkers, isn’t it? When I hear my bird music, I smile and I feel like my body is physically melting. If Joseph is with me, he plays his bird music on his I-pod and puts the ear plugs in for me, and instantly, my body melts and I smile. I can’t help smiling. It’s such a natural reaction for me. And within seconds, I’m off floating somewhere.

I’m so glad I’m journaling this experience. It’s fascinating to observe what happens to the mind, body and soul during a migraine episode. My intention was to record the details of my day leading up to the migraine so that I could try to figure out what caused it, but instead my journal went in another direction! hahaha!

I don’t know what caused my migraine today. Before, there was an evident physical sensation happening in the brain, before and during the crying. I was mistaken in thinking that the migraines were less in intensity because this physical sensation had gone away, but they are still intense. This physical sensation used to be one of my indicators and now I don’t have it anymore. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel kinda lost without having it to warn me. Another sign is when my hand goes to my forehead. I didn’t have either of these signs today! Thank God for the tears.

I hated being in the car when it happened. I felt so trapped. All I wanted to do was bolt out of the car and lie on the grass somewhere. There was no exit. I was trapped in the very modern, manmade atrocity that afflicted me with this brain injury. Oh, I was so mad at this realization. I wanted to be anywhere but in a damn car. In between my crying and heaving, I muttered these words, “I just wanna go home”, but I think they came out as incomprehensible sounds.

Trinh reached back from the front seat to hold my hand after I didn’t respond to her questions about lying down. It was nice to hold her hand. Touch is very, very nice. Very healing. I know my body responds and actually so does my brain even though nothing is being verbalized.

OK, I have to eat again. Man, after a migraine, my appetite goes up a lot…It was just three hours ago that I pigged out! OK, I wrote so much that my hand is about to fall off.

19 February 2012

So this past Thursday, the 16th, was the annual Disability Day at the capitol and I went. It was such an empowering day for me personally because lil, ole me made a sign at the last minute and this very sign attracted a lot of attention. On one side, I wrote,“I have a disability that you cannot see…mild traumatic brain injury”and on the other side, I wrote,“Brain injuries affect everybody-Spread love.”

I wanted to send a strong message to the lawmakers at the annual Disability Day rally in Atlanta, 16 Feb 2012. It was a very effective sign as the Atlanta Journal Constitution and Gainesville Times photographed and interviewed me, much to my surprise. 

The Atlanta Journal and Constitution photographed me and the Gainesville Times photographed and interviewed me. I wanted to represent my fellow brain injured survivors and speak on their behalf, so to speak. I have finally found my voice and I’m speaking out more and more every day.

The funny thing about the sign is that I wanted to do it the day before didn’t have time. Then that morning, I said to Jacques and Monique, twice, that I wanted to make my sign. I practically had to beg them to let me do it and I finally told them that I would catch up with them, but they said they would wait.

The event had provided posters and magic markers so it was just perfect. It was slim pickings though! I asked to join this table that I was passing by because they had the supplies. Then I went to another table to hunt down more markers because the first table had only four markers and there were four of us sharing them! The kids were taking too long passing the markers around so I left because I was mindful that Jacques and Monique were waiting outside.

So when I shared my sign with them, they suggested that we tape it to his umbrella, which interestingly enough, the same thought popped into my mind a split second before. So then, we had to walk back inside, glancing table after table, and I’m trying to stay under control even though I felt dizzy walking up and down the tables, and the music is blaring and there are people everywhere and the room is crowded; and all I wanted to do was run and hide from it all. But I hung in there until Jacques suggested we look in the other room. I had to decline so I waited outside. To my amazement, he came out with tape! And even though it was drizzling rain, the umbrella was put to good use as a handle for my sign!

Tonight, I celebrate four weeks since my last migraine. How nice it would to be say “my last migraine” as I’ve been taking my Ayurvedic herbs for almost two months and I love them. I attribute the absence of migraines to them and my overall state of being is calmer and I have more energy.

On 24 September 2010, I was badly hurt from a car accident that would quickly change my life forever. I was driving only about 30 mph on this beautiful Friday afternoon when a commercial truck suddenly made a left turn, cutting me off rudely on my green light. There were cars all around me and not wanting to risk anyone else’s life, I quickly accepted my fate literally in front of me so I gently stepped on my brake as quickly as possible. I knew the brake was critical to get right but there was not much time or space to work with, and so my car T-boned into the truck just as I knew it would happen.

I remember being banged around a lot in the car but I still don’t remember what my head hit exactly. It is believed that my head hit the windshield because in a couple of photos of the car, there are visible dents where my head is believed to have hit. The hood of the car immediately caught on fire and that fate was something I was not willing to accept, so I grabbed my purse and flew out of the car as if my life depended on it! The truck driver and I stopped to acknowledge one other, and our eyes locked and he immediately apologized, “I am so sorry! I did not see you coming!” I let my eyes speak and forgive him right away because I knew he didn’t mean it, but no words could be formed from my mouth. It was as if I had become paralyzed.

And then an angel appeared as I was lying on the sidewalk and being the perfect gentleman that he was, he put my purse between my legs because I was wearing a skirt. In hindsight, I guess my head was hurting a lot and that is why I intuitively laid down but for the next couple of years, my accounts of my head pain changed constantly because I was figuring out how to gauge the different levels of pain and types of headaches. This was foreign territory for a healthy, young woman. My kind angel was a professional truck driver and he told me that truck drivers are trained to put out fires, and he just happened to have a fire extinguisher on hand that he used to put out my fire. Would my car have blown up if he had not been there and would more people have been hurt? He was right there on the scene before the police or paramedics came, and I credit him for saving my life.

I asked my kind angel, Larry, to stay with me until the paramedics came and he even held my hand. I’m so thankful that he stayed with me because they treated me as if I were an idiot and even asked if I could speak English! I know this infuriated Larry as much as it did me! Inside my head, my sarcastic retort was this, “My English is better than yours!” but this strange paralysis imprisoned me in many agonizing ways that my voice abandoned me. This was the first sign for me that indicated something was terribly wrong.

They strapped me on a stretcher very tightly and I kept asking them to loosen the grip because my head, particularly the back, was so tender and hurting badly. I was whisked away to the ER to a nearby hospital, where I was left in the busy hallway, largely ignored though everyone had to pass me for over an hour. I begged them again to loosen the grip and I think one of the paramedic guys finally softened up and took pity on me.

When the hospital insurance people came to see me, I found my voice when they kept getting my name, Thien Kim, wrong because I kept fighting with them to get it right! My name is EVERYTHING to me. I would not accept my name hyphenated or joined together or shortened simply because their “computer systems did not allow anything else.” I know they were looking at me as if I were crazy, but head injury or not, I know what my name is and it holds much significance for me!

My first time publicly sharing this photo from that fateful car accident.  For 3 weeks it sat at an impound while my attorney’s office was having difficulty locating it.  To walk away from such a horror “without a scratch on my body and in one piece” was indeed a miracle and I was beyond thankful for LIFE when I came face to face (again) with how otherwise my fate could have turned out.  But inside, my BRAIN was different because it was sloshing all over the place.  To the outside world, there is nothing wrong with me.

In the early months of my brain injury, I had no idea what had happened to me or what I was really going through. Nothing made sense but I knew that I was suddenly different. Everything was suddenly different in fact. I didn’t know who to talk to despite all the doctors and attorneys I was dealing with. I felt so alone because it felt as if everyone were telling me how to feel and what to do, but their advice was unsolicited and honestly ignorant and un-compassionate of the intense pain I was in. There are parts of having a brain injury that feel like an illness, a disease, and some sort of unexplainable “condition” all rolled into one. At times I even wondered if somehow my brain had regressed because I felt really retarded about many things that had previously made perfect sense, and learning new things was painstakingly arduous that often left me in frustrated anxiety attacks or utter defeat.

Feeling defeated was very strange for me and I vowed in the beginning that I would overcome this brain injury. I always said that it was the Eightfold Path that kept me focused on my healing because I would not allow myself to succumb to the plethora of medical issues I had suddenly found myself engulfed in: PTSD; cognitive disorder; mood disorder; insomnia; migraines and all kinds of headaches; agoraphobia; sleep paralysis; silent seizures; and a slew of physical injuries as well. What really frightened me was that for the first time in my life, I contemplated ending my own life many times. This was a big secret I kept virtually to myself as I continuously put a smile on my face for the world to see. I was CRYING FOR HELP to anyone who could hear me, but I was astounded, confused, hurt, saddened, angered, and disappointed that no one seemed to hear me or take me seriously. I knew then that the only person who could help me was ME.

There were two dreams of mine that kept me alive and motivated on healing fully. The first dream was to get myself to a beach, any beach, anywhere. My body had a burning desire to be on the beach and this is a testament to the healing powers of the ocean because many TBI/ABI survivors feel pulled to be near the ocean. The second dream was to heal myself through Ayurveda rather than subject myself to the invasive and problematic western procedures that go against my holistic principles (and common sense!). The first dream serendipitously took me to St. Kitts in the West Indies for a couple of months and the second dream landed me smack in India for nearly five months. To seek Ayurveda, my heart knew I needed to brave up and go to India, a country I had actually resisted visiting for years. These two trips transformed me in unimaginable ways and all I can say is that I am so happy that I followed my heart the whole time.

For the sake of the lawsuit, I did everything that was required of me as much as I could without sacrificing my holistic principles, but I always knew in my heart that once I was strong enough, I would take off to heal myself in my own ways. I prayed that my health was stable enough to just get on the plane. For the first few months, my health fluctuated dramatically but I was determined to overcome all obstacles. Many people did not believe me when I shared my dreams of healing myself on the beach, and many people did not know what Ayurveda is and therefore doubted its healing powers. To be out in the world again and uncaged from the imprisoned state of living, I flew and flew until I could fly no further, healing myself along the way.