Journal Entry: 28 February 2012
I had a migraine that came from out out of nowhere today. It was so unexpected and I was not prepared for it it whatsoever. The sad thing is, I don’t know what triggered it. I just started crying in the car and then I completely lost it.
I noticed tears slowly coming out and my immediate thought was, “Uh, oh. This is always the indicator of a migraine.” I had just enough energy to ask R to turn off the music and then wham, migraine. I mustered up more energy to blurt out, “Can you just take me home?”
Then the full-on migraine hit me. There is only a couple of minutes between the trickling of tears to the full-on migraine. It happens very fast and without warning. One minute I’m fine and the next, I’m falling apart and I can’t talk; I can’t walk; I can’t open my eyes. My body completely shuts down. The world could come to an end and I wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t even see me react because I’m stuck in a state of what I call “temporary paralysis.”
I can hear everything that is going on and inside I’m either talking to people or I’m yelling at the top of my lungs, but physically, I’m very still, especially after the intense crying. After I cry my heart out and exhaust my mind and body even more, I am very, very still. At the most, I whimper and it’s a natural reaction for me. I have no idea why I do it and I have no control over it. I think my brain is trying to communicate or release, what, I don’t know. I whimper even when I’m alone so that doesn’t make sense about communicating something.
Well actually, come to think of it, I’m talking to myself when I whimper. And if someone is with me, I’m talking to them. I’m not sure what I’m saying. I remember the first couple of times this happened in J’s presence. I remember thinking that I hoped he wouldn’t think I had completely lost it.
There is no way to control the mind or the body during a migraine. I have no desire to try to control either. I am forced to surrender so I do. There is something beautiful and peaceful about surrendering, given in such a state. When I am crying my heart out, it’s because I feel like my head is about to explode.
Today, in the car and even when I got home, my eyes were shut the whole time. My hands kept covering my eyes. The migraine on Christmas, my hands kept grabbing my head because I wanted to squeeze out all the noises trapped in it. But after the crying, my mind finds peace somehow, somewhere. Nothing matters. No one exists. Time stands still. Part of me is somewhere else. I am here yet I am not. If I have my bird music or mantras playing, I reach this peaceful place more quickly and I want to stay here forever. But even without my music, my mind drifts off naturally to this place.
What brings me back to reality is if someone speaks to me, which is only occasional, but it does jerk me back to earth. And I would rather not return to earth. I abhor the manmade noises of our modern world. The screeching sound of trains. The obnoxious sirens. The f’ing cell phones that tempt many of us to abandon respect and common courtesy when we are around others. All the loud construction trucks. Even if they are just driving along on the street, it’s too much for my brain and nerves. If I had magical powers, I’d zap them out each time I see them.
So I’d rather stay in my world where I hear birds, water flowing, chimes and where I can gather fresh flowers in my hands and smell them. It’s so peaceful in my world. I can feel the breeze against my skin. No one is mean to each other. Everyone is nice and loving. I can’t describe where this place is because I don’t know where it is, but I know that when I’m in this place, I am floating. And I like it just that way. I am untouchable and unreachable here. It’s as if my soul has returned home and I feel very safe. Loved. Protected. Accepted. It feels familiar to me. I know that I am not dying and I’m not sure I wish to die. I just know that my soul travels somewhere very nice.
Sometimes I talk (whimper) to my sister Trang. I feel closer to her when I’m in this place. Sometimes when I have a migraine, I will get her picture and hold it in my hand or lay it on my chest. I don’t know why or how I started doing this, but I just know that I do. When my soul is in this peaceful place, I always hope to find her. Or feel her energy. Her presence. I don’t think that’s ever happened. I don’t exactly see anyone in this place. All I can say is that I feel love and peace and protection here, and I really love that. It would be nice to see my sister at least just once in this place. I hope my sister is in this place because I want her to be surrounded and uplifted by love. If all of us were in this place, there would be so much love and peace oozing out of all of us. I wish this for everyone on earth.
A few months ago, I researched online about out-of-body experiences because C was very fascinated by them. I’m realizing tonight as I’m writing my own experience – when I have a migraine – that there are striking similarities between these experiences. The most striking similarity is the peaceful, loving place we go to. That experience is very real for me. A striking difference is that I do not look at my own body from a distance, like the ceiling or on the other side of the room.
I just know that my soul floats somewhere very nice. And that it wants to stay there forever, just like what out-of-body experiences say. But for me, there is no one telling me to go back to earth. In fact, there’s no one in this place. There is only an abundant energy of love and a most beautiful peace. It uplifts me. I smile just thinking about it, remembering how simply gorgeous it feels. Come to think of it, I actually do smile when I’m in this state of the migraine process. I don’t know how to describe a migraine or what it feels like aside from my head feeling as if it’s about to erupt (yes, it really does feel that way!)
I know that after the pain subsides, my soul floats away and I’m happy. Bonkers, isn’t it? When I hear my bird music, I smile and I feel like my body is physically melting. If J is with me, he plays his bird music on his I-pod and puts the ear plugs in for me, and instantly, my body melts and I smile. I can’t help smiling. It’s such a natural reaction for me. And within seconds, I’m off floating somewhere.
I’m so glad I’m journaling this experience. It’s fascinating to observe what happens to the mind, body and soul during a migraine episode. My intention was to record the details of my day leading up to the migraine so that I could try to figure out what caused it, but instead my journal went in another direction! hahaha!
I don’t know what caused my migraine today. Before, there was an evident physical sensation happening in the brain, before and during the crying. I was mistaken in thinking that the migraines were less in intensity because this physical sensation had gone away, but they are still intense. This physical sensation used to be one of my indicators and now I don’t have it anymore. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel kinda lost without having it to warn me. Another sign is when my hand goes to my forehead. I didn’t have either of these signs today! Thank God for the tears.
I hated being in the car when it happened. I felt so trapped. All I wanted to do was bolt out of the car and lie on the grass somewhere. There was no exit. I was trapped in the very modern, manmade atrocity that afflicted me with this brain injury. Oh, I was so mad at this realization. I wanted to be anywhere but in a damn car. In between my crying and heaving, I muttered these words, “I just wanna go home”, but I think they came out as incomprehensible sounds.
T reached back from the front seat to hold my hand after I didn’t respond to her questions about lying down. It was nice to hold her hand. Touch is very, very nice. Very healing. I know my body responds and actually so does my brain even though nothing is being verbalized.
OK, I have to eat again. Man, after a migraine, my appetite goes up a lot…It was just three hours ago that I pigged out! OK, I wrote so much that my hand is about to fall off.